Since I haven't taken any decongestants, and I am pretty sure that I'm not pregnant, why in the hell am I so damn tired? I got plenty of sleep last night plus I took a two hour nap this morning. I should feel rested and refreshed but all I want to do is fall over, what's wrong with me?

A - Age: 30.

B - Bed size: Queen.

C - Chore you hate: Mopping the floor.

D - Dog's name: No dog. I have cat named Bubbela

E - Essential start your day item: Glasses.

F - Favorite color: Purple

G - Gold or Silver: Silver.

H - Height: Almost 5'1".

I - Instruments you play(ed): Mostly I am a singer but I have dabbled in the violin, flute and guitar.

J - Job Title: Customer Service Team Member.

K - Kid(s): Two. Sylvia the silliest almost Kingergartener ever is 5 1/2 and Morgan the biting boy will be 1 this Friday.

L - Last movie seen: Aquamarine.

M - Mom's name: Ada-Reva.

N - Nicknames: Jess.

O - Overnight hospital stay other than childbirth (if applicable): Well since we're not counting childbirth I was in for three days with Mono when I was sixteen. It sucked.

P - Pet Peeve: People who won't get off their cell phones when they should be paying attention to other, more important things.

Q - Quote from a T.V. show: "That's a funny place for a horn. That's not a horn."

R - Right or Left Handed: Right.

S - Scared of: Heights, losing the people I love.

T - Time you wake up: Too damn early. Usually 6:30-7 am.

U - Under the water or Up in the air: Water, I am a Pisces after all.

V - Vegetable(s) you dislike: I really want to like Kale, but it just isn't happening.

W - Ways you run late: Kids, traffic, not wearing a watch.

X - X-rays you've had: Ankle,multiple times. I have also had multiple ultrasounds and CT scans.

Y - Yummy food you make: I make a lot of good stuff, Chicken Parmesan, Pad Thai, Chicken Tikka etc. I also bake cakes, bread and various and sundry other things. This may amount to a huge bit of hubris, but I would go so far as to say that there is nothing I couldn't figure out how to cook.

Z - Zealotism: Buffy, all things Science Fiction related, Starbucks Frappuccinos, good food and the cooking thereof, my kids.

So last week I had a fairly abysmal customer service experience while riding the bus home with kids in tow. I won't go into details but the driver made me feel really bad as though I was some uneducated, white trash, welfare mom who was making his life and his job that much harder. It sucked. I am proud of myself that I directed the bad feelings where they should go. I managed to be super pissed without falling into self doubt/loathing. Anyway, so I complained. I filled out the little e-mail feedback form and detailed my experience. I hoped it would improve the driver's interactions with his riders. I got a very nice apology from their general manager and the promise that they were sending me a free monthly pass. Considering that bus passes just went up to 55 bucks that is just icing.

I am very impressed.

While I know that it is entirely last minute, if anyone wants to come over and partake of my birthday feast Monday night you would be welcome. I can't guarantee a clean house or well behaved kids but the food will be absolutely fantastic.

Anyways I'm turning thirty and you're all invited.

I would like to point out, more the benefit of my partner's FL than anything else, that there is more to it than this. I know it is a problem and to a certain degree it is just me working out my own shit. But, we have two kids. One of them is fruquently in bed with us. We work opposite shifts. I know that this is perhaps a list of excuses for my own failure in this department, but damn. I know that it is just a matter of making time, no pun intended, but I am often so dead tired from both my job and my kids that there isn't a lot of energy left.

I know, I need to get over it. This being said I know and care about the health of my marriage and am trying to work on it.

So what's the solution? Whatever happened to my libido? Have I buried it in excuses both physical and emotional? I feel self conscious so I shut down. I feel depressed and don't want anyone to touch me? My medication has obliterated my sex drive whilst making me not so sad? Did I ever have a libido? Am I a self absorbed piece of excuse making crap? I have done a great deal of thought on how to address this issue and fix it and yet at the end of the day all I want to do is collapse. I want to be warm dry and rested in the morning.

What is wrong with me? I like sex usually, and yet I obviously have not been making it a priority.

Maybe no one is right here.

1. We have a badass monitor the size of Moby motherfucking Dick! It is huge. It is bigger than our tv. It cost more than the computer.

2. We are getting a new bed on Thursday and my house will be goddam fucking clean when it arrives even if I have to have St Vinnies come and take all my extraneous shit away.

3. I am not a criminal for opening the packaging on a set of ceramic canisters at Target so I could see how big they are. Adult temper tantrums must stop.

Once again, I have been neglectful in the relating of life events. Since I don't feel like relating the events of the last few weeks in mind numbing minutiae I will do it in list form.

1. My meds are working. I am happy in many ways. I have a ridiculous amount of energy and joie de vivre right now. I don't know when I became so insufferably cheerful but I am vacillating between whether it is an amazing feeling or just really annoying to everyone else. I suppose that they are in no way mutually exclusive.
I am continuing to work with my therapist weekly. I am not sure how much I am getting out of it, but it is one of those things where you get out what you put in. I am sure that the irony is lost on no one that the worksheet that she gave me last week(yes I get therapy homework) on procrastination has not been looked at since. My next appointment is tomorrow and I expect I shall skim it whilst sipping my mocha in the morning.
2. I have recently discovered the wonder that is Cook's Illustrated tm magazine. I have yet to make something out of there that hasn't been immensely delicious and wonderful. Good food makes me so happy and making it myself makes me even happier. There is this zen peacefullness that fills me in the kitchen. It has been a long time since I have felt so creative, just another side effect of not being depressed. I blame the Prozac. Anyhoo, there were some requests that I talk about my interesting kitchen projects.
In the past month I have made, White Chicken Chili with scads of hot peppers, Cannelini beans, and delicious stewed and then shredded chicken parts. I then made Thom Ka Gai (Thai coconut chicken soup) both a full meaty version and a veggie version for a non meat eating friend. The lemongrass was quite fibrous but lent the soup such a lovely flavor that it was well worth it. Even Sylvia commented on the "delightful broth" (her words not mine).
I made a nice stab at Asian slaw for which I shall supply the recipe since I made it up.

1 small head green cabbage, shredded
1 small head red cabbage, shredded
2 carrots peeled and julliened
1/4 cup cider vinegar
2 tablespoons sesame oil
1 blood orange, juiced
2 tablespoons tamari
salt and pepper to taste
2 tablespoons sliced almonds

- Toss veggies together
- Mix vinegar, sesame oil, orange juice, tamari, salt, and pepper and pour over veggies.
- garnish with almonds
- chill until ready to serve

I have also made homemade pad thai three times, myriad baked goods, chicken and dumplings and last night a memorable Chcken Tikka Masala.

I stirred up a lovely rice dish to go with it.

1 tablespoon olive oil
1 half head of orange cauliflower
2 carrots
2 tablespoons ginger
2 cloves garlic
salt and pepper to taste
2 cups chicken broth
1 cup rice
3 cardamom pods
1 cinnamon stick

- Heat oil and add garlic, ginger and salt and pepper.
- Add veggies and saute for 5-8 minutes
- Add rice, broth and whole spices
- lower heat, cover and let rice cook for 15-20 minutes

Very simple and extremely delicious. Later this week I intend to make scallion pancakes and General Tso's Chicken. I kind of feel like a rock star.

3. My grandfather turned 93 a few days ago. It is pretty amazing how long he's been around. And he is still living independently. I am hoping that the longevity is genetic.

4. My brother, Eric, is joining the Navy. On one hand I think it could be very good for giving him some direction and it sure beats playing WoW to the exclusion of all other things. I am worried for him though. The military is never exactly a safe career choice. Of course he is only 19 and could stay in long enough to get college money. Either way he is growing up and moving on and it makes me feel kinda old.

5. I have one more month left of my twenties. All told I am looking forward to turning thirty. My 20's have been filled with way too much drama and stupidity. I am actually kind of feeling like a grownup now. It is weird.

6. The kids are good. Morgan is getting teeth at a prodigious rate ( he is working on teeth 6 and 7 now) and is crawling with speed. He also pulls up on anything, including me. He is a sweet tempered darling and it is so much fun to watch him blossom.
Sylvia has really developed a great deal more emotional maturity over the past few months. She isn't exactly listening better but at least she understands when you use logic upon her. She is full of questions and amazing amounts of energy. She looks forward to starting Kindergarten.

I know I have more to say including our play date this Wednesday and the glorious upcoming thaw that we are having here in Wisconsin, but if I don't pay attention to my partner he will make up ridiculous things about me in the fanfic of his life.

It seems that having another child entitles us to like 1500 more dollars on our tax refund than with just one. Yay for not being broke. Also, now we can get a new bed. It isn't as though I set out to reproduce just so I could get a bigger tax refund but it's certainly a bonus.

This is going to be something of a brain dump since I haven't posted in a bit and a lot has happened over the last week or so.

1. I had a lovely visit with my dear friend Ursula. Somehow despite the fact that we became friends in the immense turmoil of crazy, destructive respective adolescences, we are still friends. Even after almost ten years of not seeing each other we were able to pick right up where we left off. How rare is that? It is also incredibly pathetic how long it has been since I went out with a friend. I know children dramatically alter your landscape, but perhaps it is time that I found some other facets of my identity again.

2. I give my husband immense credit for relaunching Rocky Horror. It went incredibly well and I feel like a heel for not thinking he could pull it off. The energy was really good. It was nothing like the depressing protracted death of Rocky at the Orpheum. How amazing a difference being back in a good space can make.
In a a related note there was this huge cross section of old friends dating back to my degererate high school days. Some I hardly recognized with how much they had changed. Others will never, ever change. I am not sure what is more discombobulating, the people who have changed dramatically (I think I fall into that category,) or those who are in the same mindset they were when they were 17. I know I wouldn't want to be like that anymore. If nothing else it is exhausting. Perhaps the nicest thing about seeing old friends is the ones who have kept all the good stuff and matured out of the badness. All in all it is making me remarkably introspective about who I am and who I used to be. Not exactly existential ennui to borrow a phrase, but some akin to it. I am almost thirty and it it seriously time to grow up and start doing something with myself.

3. I am having something of a culinary renaissance in my kitchen. I made a resolution that I was going to try to cook as much as possible. I have been having fun making soup and pie and all kinds of wonderfulness. Today it is Meyer lemon angel food cake and Pad Thai. Tomorrow I am making ginger carrot soup. I am pondering making my own preserved lemons and then making a preserved lemon and green olive chicken dish for my birthday. I know it is kind of bad for the birthday girl to make her own birthday dinner, but I am seriously getting to a point with my cooking skill that I feel as though I could cook just about anything. I am not sure if the skill is actually there or just the confidence. But it is kind of heady to think that I can likely reproduce my favorite restaurant dishes at home for better and cheaper. Also I love the internet.

4. We have a spanking new president. I can not really form words as to how amazingly happy this makes me. I have become something of a politics junkie this season and it is nice to have something to focus on and be passionate about.

5. After much thought and introspection I am going to apply for the MLS program at UW Madison. I guess I never thought I wanted to be librarian when I grew up, but it feels me with silly glee thinking about it. I am slut for books and an absolute nerd at the same time. I also inquired at the library about what it would take to apply for a job there. Apparently it involves taking a test with the city and would also include a pay cut. I am not sure if this would be worth it right now, but maybe when I am back in school. Whether I pursue the different job or not, it felt nice to at least ask the question.

6. I am trying to chalk up the ridiculous illness that befell me over Saturday night and all of Sunday to not enough sleep and it being negative stupid outside on Friday and not karmic comeuppance for attempting to have a social life. Whichever it was, I was really motherfucking sick on Sunday and called in. This puts me, once again, on final for absenteeism. It rolls off in March which isn't really that long, but it is not a nice place to be. Sigh. At least I am no longer on death's door.

7. Sylvia has lost another tooth. I have joined the parental conspiracy of deception and fulfilled my role as tooth fairy.

8. Morgan is full on crawling and pulling up. He also is at the everything must go in the mouth phase of things. He is fascinated by the cats and their food and water dishes. Wacky baby. He's cute though even with a dirty sock in his mouth.

There is more I think but my brain feels deflated right now.

My Mommy loves me and is going to make me this wonderful, amazing thing for my birthday.
http://www.laine-a-tricoter.com/picture.php?cat=search&image_id=984&search=keywords:Mission

I've done this one before, but it's kinda fun when sleep deprived.

1 . WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother's & father's middle names)
Steven (My mother doesn't have a middle name. Her first name is hyphenated a la Mary-Anne.)

2. NASCAR NAME: (first name of your mother's dad, father's dad)
Alan David

3. STAR WARS NAME: (the first 2 letters of your last name, first 4 letters of your first name)
Bljess

4.DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
Purple Monkey

5. SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you live)
Anne Madison

6. SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite alcoholic drink, optionally add "THE" to the beginning)
The Aqua White Russian

7. FLY NAME: (first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name)
Jeki

8. GANGSTA NAME: (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite cookie):
Zanzibar Oatmeal Cranberry

9. ROCK STAR NAME: (current pet's name, current or past street name)
Bubbela Branch

10. PORN NAME: (1st pet, street you grew up on)
Natasha Prospect

Awkward
Breastfeeding
Creative
Ditzy
Expressive
Financially inept
Growing
Hopeful
Intelligent
Joyous
Kind
Loving
Mother
Nerdy
Oblivious
Punctual
Quixotic
Reader
Sarcastic
Tired
Understanding
Voluptouos
Well meaning
Xanth fan
Zealot

It's a beautiful brisk shortest day of the year. I awoke before the sun and hauled my quailing family out of bed. Sylvia was not enthused and had a full scale meltdown. So it also being National Haiku day I wrote poetry to honor the occasion.

Good Morning Sunshine
Tiny Tempest Wants to Sleep
Provokes Howls of Rage

At a chilling negative ten we had to scrape the inside of our windshield and windows free of frost. I hope to god that next winter we will have a better car. I guess I better get on that credit improvement plan.

Cold Snow in My Boot
Frost scraped from car interiors
the god is reborn

All in all however I am well pleased with the way this season is going. It could be warmer, the house could be cleaner and we could motivate ourselved into actually decorating before the holidays pass us by, but we have our health and two amazing wonderful children.

I wish all of you the happiest of holidays no matter what you celebrate.

We will be, once again, hosting a magnificent feast in celebration of the impending 2009. As in years past bring a dish to pass and your lovely company, we will be supplying a duck and fixins, cannoli cake roll and whatever other various and sundry things we feel like concocting.
Please comment if you plan to attend so we don't make too much. If you need directions give me your e-mail and I will pass it on.

We look forward to seeing you there.

ETA: This will be on New Year's Eve (that would be December 31st) the door will open at seven. If you don't know where we live just let us know.

1. My husband likes to tell our children that they are one quarter hobbit because of my diminutive stature and my slightly hairy feet.

2. I realized when I got home from work today that my shirt was inside out. It still is.

3. My first real boyfriend had rotten teeth, was 6 years older than me and was named Milt. At the time I was just thrilled that anyone could possibly be interested in me. More sad than embarrassing, but there you are.

4. I am kind of lazy.

5. My family took a famous picture of the Reagan family and snipped out the heads and replaced them with the faces of my relatives. When I was little I was convinced that my family was very important and that my grandfather was the president. All attempts at logically convincing me otherwise failed.

6. I was kind of brat.

7. I thought I was so deep and different in high school but I was really just a angsty poser.

So last night my mother came out to me. This isn't huge news or anything. I've know that she was bisexual since I was in eighth or ninth grade. She and my stepfather had a protracted year long end to their relationship in which my Mom was seeing all kinds of people on the side men and women. But back to last night. She told me this story about falling madly in love with a girl when she was fifteen. This girl died tragically from an allergic reaction to anaesthesia while having her wisdom teeth out. My mother claims she was so devastated and heartbroken that she didn't want to pursue any more relationships with women. Now I know that this friend existed. I've seen pictures and a yearbook dedication. I know that if she hadn't been talked out of it my name would likely be Dana and not Jessica. Not that I would expect my mother to tell me in detail the story of heartbreaking teenage lesbianism gone wrong or anything, but that subtext was never there.

I have a feeling that she is, once again, rewriting her own history to fit her current circumstances. She has had myriad dysfunctional relationships with men her whole adult life including two failed marriages. But I think that while some of the men she chose were clearly not together people that the main reason for the dysfunction has more to do with her own lack of clarity and mental health rather than her really being a lesbian who couldn't admit it to herself. I wonder if this is just an excuse for the fact that is is not an emotionally healthy person. It makes me feel bad for the new woman she is seeing. It makes me wonder what she is not telling her.

As for my Mom being gay, or not. I don't really care. It isn't the kind of thing that really phases me either way. My brother Eric and I are grown and my brother Ben will be eighteen in six months. She isn't breaking up our family. I just worry that this is more of a fad and an exploration for her rather than a distinct lifestyle change. I worry because she is my mother I love her and most of all because she is mentally ill.

Five things I was Doing 10 Years Ago
1. Living in my first apartment.
2. Planning my wedding.
3. Rocky Horror.
4. Working at Capitol Centre Foods.
5. In the first year of what is now an 11 year relationship.

Five Things on My To Do List Tomorrow:
1. Working at the Whole.
2. Snuggling the kids.
3. Being hopelessly addicted to prime time soaps.
4. Paying bills after paychecks clear.
5. Laundry.

Five Snacks I Enjoy:
1. Cheddar Bunnies
2. Brownies
3. Baby Carrots
4. Chips and Salsa
5. Bananas

Five Things I Would Do If I Were a Millionaire:
1. Pay off all the debt.
2. Put money away for the kids college.
3. Get a bigger house.
4. Buy a family car.
5. Visit my family that I never see.

Five Places I Have Lived:
1. Salt Lake City, Utah
2. Waltham, Massachusetts
3. Fort Kent, Maine
4. Columbus, Wisconsin
5. Madison, Wisconsin

Five Jobs I Have Had:
1. Waitress
2. Busser
3. Phone fundraising for the Democratic Party
4. Full time student
5. Cashier/Customer Service Team Member

So not as prodigious as yesterday. Only 1200 words or so, but it's late and I'm tired.
I continue to squash my inner editor who keeps telling me that I am writing complete crap.

I just wrote 2,480 words which is like 800 more than I really needed to. I am documenting it here since the nanowrimo site seems to be down.

I am feeling kind of like a rock star. A rock star with carpal tunnel syndrome but a rock star nonetheless.

My book may be an utter mess, but I think that I am going to be able to sustain this.