So my son, who now walks, toddles into the bathroom while I am peeing with a board book.
"Book," he says and then drops it down my pants.
"I'm glad that you like books Morgan, but I don't need them in my pants," I say.

Once again, I have been neglectful in the relating of life events. Since I don't feel like relating the events of the last few weeks in mind numbing minutiae I will do it in list form.

1. My meds are working. I am happy in many ways. I have a ridiculous amount of energy and joie de vivre right now. I don't know when I became so insufferably cheerful but I am vacillating between whether it is an amazing feeling or just really annoying to everyone else. I suppose that they are in no way mutually exclusive.
I am continuing to work with my therapist weekly. I am not sure how much I am getting out of it, but it is one of those things where you get out what you put in. I am sure that the irony is lost on no one that the worksheet that she gave me last week(yes I get therapy homework) on procrastination has not been looked at since. My next appointment is tomorrow and I expect I shall skim it whilst sipping my mocha in the morning.
2. I have recently discovered the wonder that is Cook's Illustrated tm magazine. I have yet to make something out of there that hasn't been immensely delicious and wonderful. Good food makes me so happy and making it myself makes me even happier. There is this zen peacefullness that fills me in the kitchen. It has been a long time since I have felt so creative, just another side effect of not being depressed. I blame the Prozac. Anyhoo, there were some requests that I talk about my interesting kitchen projects.
In the past month I have made, White Chicken Chili with scads of hot peppers, Cannelini beans, and delicious stewed and then shredded chicken parts. I then made Thom Ka Gai (Thai coconut chicken soup) both a full meaty version and a veggie version for a non meat eating friend. The lemongrass was quite fibrous but lent the soup such a lovely flavor that it was well worth it. Even Sylvia commented on the "delightful broth" (her words not mine).
I made a nice stab at Asian slaw for which I shall supply the recipe since I made it up.

1 small head green cabbage, shredded
1 small head red cabbage, shredded
2 carrots peeled and julliened
1/4 cup cider vinegar
2 tablespoons sesame oil
1 blood orange, juiced
2 tablespoons tamari
salt and pepper to taste
2 tablespoons sliced almonds

- Toss veggies together
- Mix vinegar, sesame oil, orange juice, tamari, salt, and pepper and pour over veggies.
- garnish with almonds
- chill until ready to serve

I have also made homemade pad thai three times, myriad baked goods, chicken and dumplings and last night a memorable Chcken Tikka Masala.

I stirred up a lovely rice dish to go with it.

1 tablespoon olive oil
1 half head of orange cauliflower
2 carrots
2 tablespoons ginger
2 cloves garlic
salt and pepper to taste
2 cups chicken broth
1 cup rice
3 cardamom pods
1 cinnamon stick

- Heat oil and add garlic, ginger and salt and pepper.
- Add veggies and saute for 5-8 minutes
- Add rice, broth and whole spices
- lower heat, cover and let rice cook for 15-20 minutes

Very simple and extremely delicious. Later this week I intend to make scallion pancakes and General Tso's Chicken. I kind of feel like a rock star.

3. My grandfather turned 93 a few days ago. It is pretty amazing how long he's been around. And he is still living independently. I am hoping that the longevity is genetic.

4. My brother, Eric, is joining the Navy. On one hand I think it could be very good for giving him some direction and it sure beats playing WoW to the exclusion of all other things. I am worried for him though. The military is never exactly a safe career choice. Of course he is only 19 and could stay in long enough to get college money. Either way he is growing up and moving on and it makes me feel kinda old.

5. I have one more month left of my twenties. All told I am looking forward to turning thirty. My 20's have been filled with way too much drama and stupidity. I am actually kind of feeling like a grownup now. It is weird.

6. The kids are good. Morgan is getting teeth at a prodigious rate ( he is working on teeth 6 and 7 now) and is crawling with speed. He also pulls up on anything, including me. He is a sweet tempered darling and it is so much fun to watch him blossom.
Sylvia has really developed a great deal more emotional maturity over the past few months. She isn't exactly listening better but at least she understands when you use logic upon her. She is full of questions and amazing amounts of energy. She looks forward to starting Kindergarten.

I know I have more to say including our play date this Wednesday and the glorious upcoming thaw that we are having here in Wisconsin, but if I don't pay attention to my partner he will make up ridiculous things about me in the fanfic of his life.

This is going to be something of a brain dump since I haven't posted in a bit and a lot has happened over the last week or so.

1. I had a lovely visit with my dear friend Ursula. Somehow despite the fact that we became friends in the immense turmoil of crazy, destructive respective adolescences, we are still friends. Even after almost ten years of not seeing each other we were able to pick right up where we left off. How rare is that? It is also incredibly pathetic how long it has been since I went out with a friend. I know children dramatically alter your landscape, but perhaps it is time that I found some other facets of my identity again.

2. I give my husband immense credit for relaunching Rocky Horror. It went incredibly well and I feel like a heel for not thinking he could pull it off. The energy was really good. It was nothing like the depressing protracted death of Rocky at the Orpheum. How amazing a difference being back in a good space can make.
In a a related note there was this huge cross section of old friends dating back to my degererate high school days. Some I hardly recognized with how much they had changed. Others will never, ever change. I am not sure what is more discombobulating, the people who have changed dramatically (I think I fall into that category,) or those who are in the same mindset they were when they were 17. I know I wouldn't want to be like that anymore. If nothing else it is exhausting. Perhaps the nicest thing about seeing old friends is the ones who have kept all the good stuff and matured out of the badness. All in all it is making me remarkably introspective about who I am and who I used to be. Not exactly existential ennui to borrow a phrase, but some akin to it. I am almost thirty and it it seriously time to grow up and start doing something with myself.

3. I am having something of a culinary renaissance in my kitchen. I made a resolution that I was going to try to cook as much as possible. I have been having fun making soup and pie and all kinds of wonderfulness. Today it is Meyer lemon angel food cake and Pad Thai. Tomorrow I am making ginger carrot soup. I am pondering making my own preserved lemons and then making a preserved lemon and green olive chicken dish for my birthday. I know it is kind of bad for the birthday girl to make her own birthday dinner, but I am seriously getting to a point with my cooking skill that I feel as though I could cook just about anything. I am not sure if the skill is actually there or just the confidence. But it is kind of heady to think that I can likely reproduce my favorite restaurant dishes at home for better and cheaper. Also I love the internet.

4. We have a spanking new president. I can not really form words as to how amazingly happy this makes me. I have become something of a politics junkie this season and it is nice to have something to focus on and be passionate about.

5. After much thought and introspection I am going to apply for the MLS program at UW Madison. I guess I never thought I wanted to be librarian when I grew up, but it feels me with silly glee thinking about it. I am slut for books and an absolute nerd at the same time. I also inquired at the library about what it would take to apply for a job there. Apparently it involves taking a test with the city and would also include a pay cut. I am not sure if this would be worth it right now, but maybe when I am back in school. Whether I pursue the different job or not, it felt nice to at least ask the question.

6. I am trying to chalk up the ridiculous illness that befell me over Saturday night and all of Sunday to not enough sleep and it being negative stupid outside on Friday and not karmic comeuppance for attempting to have a social life. Whichever it was, I was really motherfucking sick on Sunday and called in. This puts me, once again, on final for absenteeism. It rolls off in March which isn't really that long, but it is not a nice place to be. Sigh. At least I am no longer on death's door.

7. Sylvia has lost another tooth. I have joined the parental conspiracy of deception and fulfilled my role as tooth fairy.

8. Morgan is full on crawling and pulling up. He also is at the everything must go in the mouth phase of things. He is fascinated by the cats and their food and water dishes. Wacky baby. He's cute though even with a dirty sock in his mouth.

There is more I think but my brain feels deflated right now.

I could go on and on about how jazzed up I am about the election season, but as I believe that most of friends list are already supporting to Obama I won't preach to the choir. Except to say wow what a time to be alive.

This being said, things are plugging along in our house. Morgan was weighed, measured, poked and prodded at his four month physical. He is now two pounds heavier two inches longer and according to the doctor he has the most beautiful foreskin ever lol. He has also cut his first tooth. Early I know but I guess each kid is different and now I have to watch out for little teeth while nursing, yikes! He continues to be an amazing sleeper and is the most cheerful and good tempered baby I have ever met. Of course I'm biased, but seriously he is a really good kid. Next step solid food. I knew it would go fast, but yowza this is like light speed.

Speaking of time flying Sylvia will be five in a month. I am not sure when my tiny girl got so big but she doesn't even look like a baby anymore. It is very weird. She has started reading and is so very precocious and wonderful. She is also amazingly challenging. She has opinions and a seriously strange imagination. She is always asking me off the wall questions. I worry that I don't give her as much time as I should with being on with the baby 24/7, but she is doing so well and is going to be so ready for kindergarten next year. At the rate that things are going she will be in high school before I know it. Kinda makes me feel old.

As for me. I had an epiphany today. I think I know what I want to do with my life. I guess I am coming to this a little late since I will be thirty in six months but oh well better late than never. I am going to go to grad school for psych and specialize in grief and fertility counseling for people who are either having trouble conceiving or have experienced any kind of pregnancy loss. I have such an amount of personal knowledge on this subject as well as a depth of compassion and understanding for this kind of loss. I think that I could have a lot to offer and could help many people. I don't know how soon I will be doing this, probably starting next fall, but this is the first time I have felt passion about something professional in a very long time. I feel very energized about this right now. Not to mention the thought of eventually getting out of the (pit of despair), I mean Whole Foods is a good one.

Anyway update complete.

I got my meds and things are so much better. Between that and getting Morgan on the boob this week I am feeling much improved. Now if we can just get the car fixed so that we can trade it in and stick to the insanely stringent budget we have set up to make that possible we will be doing pretty well. Of course how often do things go as planned?

After exclusively pumping for three months and pretty much giving up on the idea that my son would ever actually nurse, he starts doing it. This is wonderful. I am very happy about it. The thing is I had gotten really used to pumping regularly and now that he is nursing he drinks all the milk that I would normally put in the fridge for the next day. This is kind of freaking me out since I work a lot and I don't want to risk the baby not having enough food while I am gone. When I tried to pump at noon today I only got three oz. Normally I get six and for most of the fifteen minutes I was pumping I was barely getting a tiny dribble in the bottom of the bottle. I finally had a letdown cycle in the last five minutes of pumping. I am really happy that he is nursing, but at the same time I am very nervous that he won't have food when I am gone now. I don't know what to think.

I have been bitten by the much famed "mommy jinx". Morgan started consistently sleeping through the night with a 7 o'clock bedtime and I was overjoyed I began to tell everyone how I had won the "baby sleep lottery". This is what I get for my hubris, a whimpering little boy in his crib at quarter to ten at night, a surly husband who now doubts my powers as the boss of bedtime, and a discouraged and exhausted me. He somehow got his head bumped earlier and now Ian is trying to put ice on it. Now he is screaming. Lovely.

For those of you who don't know or care I EP. This means exclusively pump milk to feed my child. This is fine, I have gotten used to it. It does require hardware however. Some of this hardware are small rubber membranes. These are easy to lose via washing down the drain, they rip after prolonged use and my fantastic breastpump has no suction without them. They are also fairly inexpensive and I would think easy to replace. Not so much. Target doesn't even carry them. Babies R Us is out of stock of the packs of replacements but I was able to get two attached to the the valves. This makes absolutely no sense.

Add to this, a car that is on it's last legs (or should I say wheels?). It makes incredibly eerie sounds when we drive faster than 15 miles per hour. We can't afford to get it fixed and we really need to trade it in. I am not sure how to fix this and we really need the car.

My job sucks and my job search is going nowhere. It is very frustrating.

What a day. And they still won't give me my meds. I hate my life.

So, usually, Ian's mom watches the kids on the weekends while we both work. Next weekend however his parents are going up north with Sylvia leaving us with a need. So, Friends List, would anyone be willing to hang out with a sweet cuddly little boy on Sunday. He is very cute and very good natured and we would give you brownies.

I put Morgan down at 7:30 last night and he didn't wake up until 4:45. I don't know what we did to be so blessed, but I am grateful. Now if I can only get Ian to not stay up all night waiting for the baby to wake so he can feed him and we'll be all good.

It started out fairly well. I got Morgan to sleep next to me in bed last night rather than on top of his father on the couch. Sylvia was bright eyed, busy tailed and ready for ballerina camp at 7:30 am. It seemed as though I had the whole day ahead of me. Two hours later I nodded off in my chair while the baby slept on my shoulder and the next thing I know the house is dead quiet and I have no idea how long I have been asleep. Sylvia is not in the house, our backyard or our neighbors yard. I left the baby sleeping in his swing while I put on some clothes and fortunately found her quickly with no apparent harm to anyone involved. I feel stupendously lucky that my amazingly impulsive child didn't run in front of a car or run off with some stranger she thought was her new best friend. The kid loves and trusts everyone so much and it scares the pants off of me. So we had another talk about keeping in the backyard, telling me when she is going outside, and that strangers with candy are not our friends. I have no idea if it sunk in at all.

Now add that it is in the upper eighties and humid and I have to walk the kids to ballerina camp which is a 15-20 minute walk away and I am totally out of shape so by the time I got back home I was a sweaty wreck. And then an hour later I had to turn around and walk back to get her. To her credit she did better at ballet camp today. No temper tantrums and maybe she is starting to get the whole personal space not hugging and kissing every child she meets thing, we shall see. However I saw how she was shadowing some of the older girls trying to be part of things and how those girls were rolling their eyes and keeping their distance. It breaks my heart and reminds me of myself as a child. I am terrified that she is going to have identical social problems in school to me. My grade and middle school experiences were terrible to put it mildly.

I got us home with fairly little incidence and Sylvia took a nap while I watched "The Aztecs" an episode of Doctor Who from the sixties. Of course this child never naps during the day except when she is sick, so I was a little worried.

I waited until she woke up to start dinner which was maybe my biggest mistake of the day. I suggested turkey burgers but she wanted spaghetti. Dinner was more than half done when I decided that the sauce needed to be bulked up and attempted to open a can of tomatoes. We have the crappiest can opener in the history of the universe and in an attempt to get the top off I drenched myself, my daughter and my kitchen in tomato sauce. I turn off the sauce and try to get us in the shower. Meanwhile Morgan has started screaming in his swing. I try to say that we should get in the shower together, but she will have none of it so I wash up and then get her in. However after sucessfully showering on her own a few times she has decided that she hates it and all baths by association. Not wanting to argue I draw her a bath and wash her hair while she cries "don't drown me Mama, I don't want to die." The baby is still screaming. I get back into the kitchen to discover that instead of turning off the burner under the sauce I turned off the one under the water and I have burned dinner to something resembling charcoal briquets. I proceed to break down in a puddle on the floor.

I got my head together, ordered chinese food that we can't afford, and things have mostly settled down, thank god. Of course how we are both going to eat and pay the mortgage this month is beyond me. My house still looks likes world war three has been staged across it five rooms. My breastmilk supply is getting smaller though still entirely within normal limits. I get three oz out of each breast, but I was getting four last week. I go back to work next week and am so not ready. Our energy bill just went up by 130 dollars. I am terrified about the economic downturn. I am stressed out.

I've been reading these Mommy blogs in which these women describe their days and the creative and wonderful ways in which they parent their children. This makes me feel like a terrible mother when I feed my daughter sugar cereal for lunch plant her in front of the tv and put the baby in the swing. I feel inadequate and I don't know what to do about it.

the proud owner of a Mirena IUD. No pregnancy worries for five years. I say WOO! My son is having a lovely time rolling about on the carpet while Ian picks up Sylvia from ballerina camp. The day is warm and it is my last week of maternity leave. I really don't want to go back, I'm gonna miss my boy so much :( But with much fiddling and driver installation our new computer is up and running. It can burn dvds and I am excited. I know in a week life is going to become incredibly insane so for now I am going to enjoy my bubble of peace.

So I was reminded yesterday that my short term disability checks will stop the week of July 2. I do have the right to a full twelve weeks off of work per FMLA, but how we are going to survive a month on one income is beyond me. This being said leaving my baby in the care of others at twelve weeks old fills me with complete revulsion and despair and at eight weeks seems even more dire. I know that I have to go back to work, we can't afford our life if we don't, if I could somehow spend my days taking care of the kids and letting Ian work I think I could be really happy. Sigh. I think that the current solution is to take the hit for most of July and go back a week earlier than expected. I don't like it, but what am I supposed to do? This time is going far too fast and I feel like I am in this bubble of non-reality. I feel that going back to work is going to be harsh and difficult and I am going to have to figure out an even more insane level of functionality than I have already and that is kind of scary. I also have to figure out childcare. Our weekday person shouldn't be an issue, we pay her. But while she hasn't said it I am certain that my mother-in-law is less than enthused about the idea of taking care of both kids on the weekends. There is probably some shuffling that can be done with our schedules to minimize the need for that, but the fact that she is sending out that vibe bothers me kind of a lot. Of course I could be wrong, but every time the in-laws see the baby they complain incessantly about how all he does is sleep and that he is boring. He is a newborn baby people, get with the program.

In other less than stellar news, I owe UW health a whopping 2700 dollars for my c-section. My insurance only covers 80% and with a twelve thousand dollar procedure, 20% is a lot. I am really not sure how we are going to afford another large debt, and I am tempted to just blow it off. This makes me feel even worse. Have I mentioned that our healthcare system sucks donkey balls?

And lastly I don't know if I mentioned this but Morgan was born on Ian's late grandfather's birthday. We had already mostly decided to give him the middle name John to honor said dead relative, but that Morgan was born on his birthday kind of clinched it. Now there is a contingent of Ian's family that have some notion that this child is some incarnation of Grandpa John or that "Grandpa John is looking over this child from heaven" or whatever. Basically a lot of mumbo jumbo that we as a family don't believe in. The thing of it though is that Ian's Grandmother has blatantly stated that, "I don't care what they named him, I am going to call him Johnny." I can not stress enough how not okay I am with this. Yes it is one of his names, but there was a reason that we didn't choose it as his first name. It was to honor an important person in Ian's past but I just don't love the name John enough. It also completely disregards our choices as his parents and states clearly that they don't approve of the name we chose for him. I am so mad and there is really no way to address this without creating a huge shitstorm of conflict. I guess we only see these relatives a few times a year, but I like them and I don't want to spend those times seething with rage as they confuse my son about what his name is. If Morgan chooses, when he is older, to go by John that is his choice but I will damned if he is going to programmed that his first name is a bad one from the start. Grrr!

This just seems like another step in Ian's family disregarding my part in my kids lives. Whenever it is suggested than any of my kids features look like mine or my family's I am told how I am wrong. For example, my kids have curly hair. Me, my mom, little brother, grandfather Aunt and numerous cousins have very curly hair. It is a dominant family trait, and when I even suggest that it might come from my side I am reminded that Ian and Katrina had ringlets when they were little. I know it isn't meant this way but it feels as though they are suggesting that I was just the incubator for Ian's immaculate seed and that I had nothing to do with who these kids are or who they will become. It is maddening.

Anyway, rant over. I don't even know if I have cause to be upset or if I am just riding the crest of the hormone storm. I hate feeling this way.

4 hours of sleep + a baby who won't nurse + my mother arriving this evening = a very stressed out Jessica.

I'm kind of going out of my mind and so is everyone else in my house. I figured since Sylvia was relatively easy when it came to breastfeeding that I wouldn't have a problem this time around. I think if I spend one more hour lying in bed with my son who just finds my nipples intimidating and frustrating I am going to seriously go batshit insane. I am slso really tired of being married to my breastpump I usually like the husband I have and he is usually much kinder to my body.

I have come to a realization over the last 48 hours or so, I am happy. This shouldn't be a revelation or anything, but I don't think I realized how long I have been miserable. It's been a long damn time. These last three years of incredible turmoil and loss took an incredible toll and I going through each day I don't think I noticed how much I was going through the motions of living, and working. My marriage suffered, my parenting suffered, my growth as a person has been standing still since I miscarried in 2006. Dead stop. That isn't to say that there haven't been good times, but when we lost Owen last year it was like I died to except I kept dragging my zombie self around. I feel like a veil has lifted and I can see past getting from moment to moment. I have plans/ambitions, I have interests, I love my family and friends and I want to connect. Truly I want to connect again and that is an incredible thing.

People keep telling me that I don't look like someone who gave birth less than an week ago. I don't feel like it either. I feel good. I am recovering rapidly. I want to get things done. I feel as though I have been sitting still for the past 18 months due to pregnancy and I am so ready to just take off and be effective again. I want to be able to lift and carry and make my house a home instead of a dumping ground for things that I don't need. Things seem possible for the first time in forever and that is an incredible thing. I am amazed that the presence of a tiny boy in my life can make these changes, but they do and I am grateful.

Morgan is giving me the finger in his sleep. I think he is mad that I put him in the bassinet rather than letting him sleep on my shoulder all night. My milk is in and he sucessfully latched and nursed about two hours ago I was also able to pump three oz, so yay me. My new son, rude finger gestures aside, is the sweetest most laid back child I have ever met. He is nothing like his sister which isn't to say anything bad about her, they are just different. Tomorrow I will be coming home and I have the feeling with Ian at work I will be a bit lonely, anyone feel like entertaining me :p I want to write more, but the hospital laptop is not user friendly.

We are both doing well if a little exhausted, he is still figuring out the breastfeeding, but mostly b/c he is just so darn tired. He is so beautiful and I am so proud.

So upon being given advice that I should beef up my baby registry I just spent the last 45 minutes doing so. I am not certain I really need all that stuff, but beefed up it is. I am just hoping this doesn't mean that we won't get the things that we need and instead get all the other stuff that while nice is less crucial. It makes me feel strange.

Isn't he gorgeous? I am so in love.